I’ve seen every movie and I’ve been in a lot of situations and I’ve figured out how to handle the situation of every movie. Here’s how I’d do it:
The Day After Tomorrow - Cuddle up with a hot mug of cozy time tea and a big heavy afghan
127 Hours - Third arm
Children of Men - I’d do up a young sheep with prosthetics to look like a real human baby and get famous from being on the news
No Country for Old Men - I’d swallow the magic coin
Spring Breakers - They’d be friends with me. We’d all be friends with each other. We’d hang out.
Spirited Away - Keep my head down, hustle every damn day, stay humble, and grind my way to the top
E.T. the Extra Terrestrial - Strap a weather balloon to his ass and let God sort it out
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - I would push the rat over to free those horrible turtles from him
Land Before Time - Get them a clock
Osmosis Jones - I’d puke him out and sear him with an illegal laser pointer they use to blind pilots. I don’t need those kinds of situations going on inside me.
Mortal Kombat - Punch and kick
The Virgin Suicides - I would teach them about Hell
Planet of the Apes - I would teach them about Hell
Basic Instinct - When she’s uncrossing her legs I’d just shake my head and go, “Already seen one.” Now I have the power in the situation, and I can use it to negotiate for a kiss on the cheek.
Groundhog Day - I would use the time loop to watch the movie Groundhog Day as many times as I need to to figure out how to get out of it, and then I would do that
The Perfect Storm - I would swim parallel to the shore
The Talented Mr. Ripley - Two words: “Be yourself.”
The Hunt For Red October - I would make the ocean harder to be in so people would leave it
Big - Baby oil on the piano, he goes down like a racehorse in a pothole, sell him to a Saudi human zoo
Crash - I’d jack off to the car stuff just like evvvvvverybody else
Anatomy Of A Fall - Before anything happened, I’d go, “Whoa man, look out”
Longlegs - I’d tell him to ZIP IT and BUZZ OFF
Saltburn - I’d poison the cum
Uncut Gems - I would have nothing to do with that man. He’s bad news.
Challengers - I’d suck them off so they can focus on the sport of tennis
Barbie - I’m the DJ!
Mulholland Drive - Conversion therapy real quick. Get these ladies husbands!
Heat - Conversion therapy
Point Break - Conversion therapy
Thelma & Louise - Conversion therapy
Toy Story - Conversion therapy but sooooooooooo little
Scream - Yell into phone to harm him
Silence of the Lambs - I would crush the evil moth with a napkin or just my palm
A Quiet Place - Nerf football with the whistles to distract them, then I hit them with the bow and arrow, very quiet, nice and easy
Get Out - Wouldn’t happen to me thanks to a little thing I like to call white privilege
Nightmare on Elm Street - As soon as Freddy Krueger shows up in my dream, I explode my own head with the microwave I fell asleep in, and he’s gonezo
The Wicker Man - When they’re trying to put me in the wicker man to burn me alive, I’d go real limp. I’d make myself really heavy, and I’d wriggle and squirm. I’d be such a hassle that eventually they’d give up and burn some other guy.
Halloween - Bazooka
Alien - Predator
The Shining - I’d be there too so everyone had an objective third party to bounce things off of, workshop solutions, offer a crying shoulder, or just listen
Misery - I’d make sure I knew how to do a handstand walk before my legs get annihilated with a hammer so I can handstand walk my way on outta there
Shawn of the Dead - For starters I wouldn’t waste a bunch of precious time making little jokes
Final Destination - Get right with God and live in the moment. Everybody dies, baby that’s a fact, but I don’t see how that should rain on my mahalo.
The Mummy - Oh, that crazy mummy
And that’s all of the movies there are. Thanks to Hollywood, and to you, the reader.